afraid

realised that i will be afraid..
of almost everything..
when i lose my self-confidence.
when i became dependent.

does everyone feel the same too?

i begin to feel that i'm losing it already.
...........................................................

10.48pm..
supposed to start working now.
but i'm really lazy.. tired.
can barely finish even a single section.
find myself slacking.
but the fact that i've only spent two days here.

sigh.
somehow i'm really tired of working now.
senior seemed like she wants to get me over to help her.
damn.
i would like to.. but hr.. i really need a break.
mayb i've lost the momentum of how i used to be..
but somehow.. i'm just too lazy.
felt that the more i work.. the more work i'm given.

i have not learn a lot.. but i'm tired of working so hard.
with no help.
.............................................................................

ate at a normal kopitiam for dinner.
start to stone and look around the environment after meal..
an aunty came.. very old aunty..
sat at the table next to ours.

i've only realised her presense when the kopi o she ordered came.
she smiled when her kopi o came.
sipped and start to look for some things in her bag.
the bag where she hang on her neck.

and a very familiar plastic bag was taken out.
very familiar.. and i then realised that..
its the karipap that i normally purchase for breakfast in office.
and i start to think..
is the curry puff her dinner?!
what.?! its already 9 plus at night.
i was in hunger before reaching the kopitiam..
felt like im dying..

and she just had karipap and kopi o for dinner at 9.30pm?

i felt so sorry.. i felt so hurt..
an urge came.. that i want to order some food for her.
told my junior.. and junior said..
maybe she is just enjoying supper.. with kopi.
... thinking.. thinking..
that possibility is quite low right?

i do not know if i should do it.
will i be mean?
will she feel hurt if that's not her dinner?

and being indecisive like how i always am..
i just went off when my junior finished her meal.

i felt so sorry.
this time.. i started to think of all the supper we bought..
the mua chee.. apom.. pan cake.. char kuew tiao..
we did not finish it.. and just threw it away the next morning.

wft.
i felt that we are actually so super lucky to be in this situation.
being perfectly fine.. being able to work..
to earn.. a family that we love and to be loved..

have not been eating meals in pasar malam.. or road side.. or even in kopitiam that often anymore.
this penang trip.. really tells me something.
..............................................................

i just hope that everyone will just stop at some point of time.
think about the unfortunate.
or just think about your family whom you have been neglecting lately.

sigh.

shit. I GOTTA WORK damn it.

wish that i can sleep well tonight.
or i'll just take the TIGER BEER in the mini bar. LoL.