the chapter

i've always wanted to blog something for the past two weeks.
wanted to blog what i did.. what i felt.
but everytime i type halfway.. i do not know how to continue.
i don't even have the feel to blog about anything.

friday.. 0200 in the morning.
baby and i broke up.

this 9 mths relationship.
it was like a fantasy for me.

i need to jot it down.. everything..

from the start.. we were just friends.
we share same problems.. same mindset.. same thoughts..
sometimes.. i feel as if is he someone that god send to me..
someone that i can totally be myself being around him?
someone so dear.. so close to me.. and being so comfy with him.

i have massive sparks with him after our first kiss in the club. 30 Oct 2009.
it was halloween party.. i remembered.
i showed him..that i'm interested a week after my burfday.
and then.. things started to move quite fast..

towards the end of year 2009.. i spent all my time with him.
everyday.. every minute.. every hour.
i love watching dvd with him.. watching him playing ps3.. together we play wii.
even after the start of year 2010.
that night.. on his house rooftop..
i made a wish.. i wish it will a happy year for me and him.

oh yea.. the langkawi trip we went together..
it was really like spending 2 days in the car only.
but i did enjoy the trip.. it is something i will never forget in my life.

those were the honeymoon period..
then.. peak period comes..
i know he is stressed out.. and was outstation for sometime..
we talked quite often in the beginning until when he really couldnt talk that much anymore.
workaholic as he is.. i lost my senses.
i thought things has changed.

from that day.. that time.. i realise that i couldnt lose him..
i love him too much to lose him.
baby scolded me for being dumb.. and i understood temporarily.
but somehow.. something was planted in my brain..
this relationship.. i want to cherish every moment.. i can.. to be with him..
i don't want to miss out anything..

and this shit.. killed me.. and that is also how i lost him.
i wanted to spend so much time with him..
that i *ffk all my friends.. he is my top priority..
he is my life.. it became a routine..
he used to take care of me.. love me as if i'm a little baby of his.
and then.. when environment change..
i couldnt adapt..

i know he still try to get whatever i wants for me.
i know he try to spend all his time with me when he can.
and i did not know until.. he went paris.

2 weeks with no calls and sms.
and me being so stressed up.. and missing him like crazy.
i text idiot messages.. that upset him.

he came back.. still showing me love that i did not realise.
the football game between.. i don't even remember who vs who.
that night was the last time he told me..
"i love u baby".

these 2 months.. after all the shit i've done.
i thought i can earn his trust again..
earn his love again..
but i blew it up again 2 weeks ago.
why why whyy..

why can't i wait a little longer..
maybe now he can still be with me.
maybe now.. i can still hug him..

every night.. i hug the teddy bear he gave me.
i hold fitti bear's hand..
imagining how b would have hold mine everynite like before.
there won't be anyone else able to give me such feelings..
nobody to hug me in the middle of the night.
i can't smell him anymore.

has been 2 days since the break..
has been in really bad shape.. but i have great bunch of friends.
trying to be there for me.
was out everyday.. until night..
when i was tired.. i fell asleep.. but i would wake up in mid of nowhere..
and started crying..
waking up in the morning and realising that i've lost my heart SUX.

i felt this agony before when i lost keo.
but somehow.. this agony is worst.
everywhere i go.. i see memories of us.
everytime when i'm alone..i hear his voice..
his baby voice over the phone.

am i going crazy?
its pre-peak for me now.
peak is just next week..
i need to get ready.

but right now.. i don't know how to survive.
i can't even survive a night without him.

i've lost my baby..
thats all i can say.
why did he change? why such huge price to pay..
for me to learn that i should be more independent..
that i should give him more space?

thanking him for giving me such lesson.
thanking him for teaching me how to go trough tough life.
somehow whatever he said..
often enlighten me.. though he is full of craps at times..

i know life gonna change after this.
since i've not been single for the past 10 years.
nobody gonna be there anymore.

the space he gave me previously to adapt was a good start..
for me to be more independent..
but i guess this cut now.. its gonna be a huge change in my life.

i love eric tang weihann..
this chapter of my life.. this fantasy i was living in previously..
where i lost myself.. where i was in my comfort zone.
has changed.

i do not want to forget this..
i remembered from the start.. when we were friends..
he said he is often wearing a mask..
and i somehow felt it..
he is humorous.. someone who give life to friends..
but deep inside.. he is tired.. needing time for himself.
i understood.. from the start since i was stuck with him everyday..
it was really tiring.. but that's him.

but when at the end of the day..
when we are back home..
he will take off his mask.. and just him and i.
but for the past 1 month..
i felt the mask he is wearing for me.
i thought i can turn back time.
wanting him again.. wanting him to give another try.
but its only making him worst.

we are finally off.
i don't know how things around him.. but..
i hope things will be better for him now.

for me.. i need to recover fast.
but i think i'll never stop loving him.
i finally understand how tiring.. and sucky is it for someone to love another so dearly.
maybe someday.. i will stop..
but right now.. i do not know how.
.........................................................................

T.T ....... baby.. what are u doing now..

where are u..

i miss u.. i need u..

i want a hug.. i want to talk to u..

i can't sleep every night..

very tired.. i miss you sleeping beside me.

baby.. i miss u..

.........................................................................

it's my sis's burfday today!
8 Aug.. yay!
i need to be more cheerful... since i did not go back Mlc.

now i guess i need a mask.. LoL.
but for everything that has happened.
there is one thing i realised.

i am actually the luckiest girl ever.
i have a bunch of great friends.. being there for me.
they care and love me..
how can i *ffk them previously.
i'm sorry.. i'm sorry my friends.
how can i not notice..

i'll treasure u guys more.
......................................................................

maybe now i understand how he became like this.
after his deep cut.
.....................................................................

Avril Lavigne - When You`re Gone download at emp3