time.. y?

i was tryin to grow strong evryday since laz monday..
wen we had our talk..
i do break down from time to time..
i cry weneva i think about it..
but i alwis tell myself to be strong..

and thurs..

teng..chris..derek and me..
went coll to study..
out of da sudden..

"eh..vry sien. lets go sumwhr!"
" whr? genting? "
"duwan la..vry common. pd?"
"duwan la.. dirty. go hill la!! frasers hill?"
"ok oso..but got nth wan. hmm.. "
aft 15min of discussion. "ok la. go pd!"
"who drive?"
"ta ta li lat..ta li tam pui!"
"ok.. chris drive! meet at OUG in 45min."

and dere we go. reached at 6pm..
manage to c sunset.. and do all kinds of shouting..
walkin and lyin down on da beach..
port dickson isnt a bad place..trust me! ITS CLEAN!

nite in corus paradise resort..
beautiful place.. i would say.
spent da nite talking..wif da sea breeze..
blowin at my face..my body..
wen i shiver but try to appear strong..
da ass who promised not to smoke..but smoked almost a packet dere.
and at 2am.. we went back to da room..
bought beer but didnt drink..
over-tired i guess.
talked as we lie down on da bed..
until one by one doze off.

nx day..went for a swim in da swimmin pool..
and at da beach..we played water.. (reminds me of lang tengah)
dere..we promised each other dat..
aft dis evryone will start studyin..
but..
im sori guys.. i try to start asap ok?

dat fri mornin.. we rushed back to sunway..
benghay fetched me back mlc..
and den i started to tink alot durin da weekend..

u can stop readin here. will post up pd pics wen i got dem.. reli nice!!
....................................................................................................................

tru out dis 2 weeks..
many things hav happened..
changes changes changes..
from wat he told me.. to da truth behind da truth..
and from controlin..to break down..
i try my best to stand up.
i told myself to accept da truth..

we r all human beings..
nobody is an iron man..
no plans are perfect..
ppl need to change..
and feelings change..
as we grow.. we go tru different phases of life..
from kids dat we noe nth..
to da sumone who havta decide and hold responsibility..

we meet many ppl in our evryday life..
sum may seem special to u..
sum may not..
but da fact is.. feelings cant be controlled..
actions instead can be taken..
to be a responsible person..do wat u need to do..
to avoid things from happening..
evryone sure face da same thing sumday..
and dat is da point whr decision need to be made..
evry decision lead to a path..
it may be good..or it may be bad..
will i regret in da future?
shud i do dis?
da fact is..evry decision u made.. comes wif a pro and a con..
dere is no decision dat cums wif a promising benefit..
its jus which r da things u willing to let go..

i understan all these..
all da theories..all da rationality..
but im jus a gal..
a gal wif feelings..

da minute i saw da words..written publicly..
i felt a cut..
as if sumone chop apart my heart..
it hurts so badly..
knowin he felt so sad..
i feel sad too..
but to know dat he felt so sad cos of dat..
i feel lifeless..
i didnt sleep da whole nite..
thinkin about wat happened..

i den saw further words..
words said by ppl..and him..
i made up my mind..
mayb to c him hapi is all i need..
i dun mind wat i am to him..

he seem to be ok now..
i hope his frens can get tru dis wif him..
but me? i dun tink so..
i wanna be strong..i duwan to be sad all da time..
i wanna do well..
i hav hopes..i wan my future..
its jus 49 days to da real exam..
but im stil down..

i honestly dun blame him for wat happened..
nobody wans dis to happen..
but..da fact is..
wat i am to him?
is lettin me go an easy job?
is 5yrs sumthin or nothing at all?

i looked back at those sms-es..da luv in it..

" dear doin wat? wake up d? later goin fly d. got study anot?muz study ok? dun giv up jus lik our luv. muaks!"

"dear i alwis luv u la. no matter wat..no other gals for me liao. i not lik other guys. so long wif u..u stil duno me? dear u not weak..jus not strong lik me. luv u."

"dear c dis msg muz smile lo. ^.....^ cos u got a loving husband lik me. muaks! "

"dear..thx4 reminding me. hapi 19th anni. i noe dat im a useless guy sumtimes but i nvr stop lovin u. dats da fact. our luv wil laz for eternity. believe me. i luv u."

"dear, laopo, darlin, honey, happy birthday! i love u til da end of time!"

"dear u mayb sleep d but nvm la. dear i jus wanna tel u i love u. wo ai ni. saya cinta padamu. 5201314. get well soon. cant wait to hold my laopo again. muaks!"

"dear i reach home safely d. i forgot u hungry. shud hav brin u go eat. home got food? eat lo. wait gastric. i love u. 5845201314."

"dear i love u lots too.i knew its gonna make u hapi..but not until dat hapi la. haha. dear dun leave me..

"good nite my pig. i love u always..n forever. muaks! =* "

"pig..pao pao lil donkie lo. dun bully lil donkie. i goin fly d. call u wen im back. luv u."


wil i hav all these again?
no..it will nvr be da same again..

from da moment i had u..ur da oni one i sms.. da oni sms dat i keep wen i receive dem. bcos all those msg-es reli meant sumthin to me. now..it hurts me so badly.

since 3years ago.. i asked u few times..wat am i to u? am i important to u? and til dis day.. its a ques dat i nv find an answer. my bby.. ur a reli nice bf. i gav my whole heart and soul to u.. and i believe u did too. probably im not da one for u..probably im not good enuf for u.. rite now.. i jus wan u to be orite..

i jus hope i can run away..to sumwhr far far away..
i feel so small now..
i reli afraid to slp..or to wake up..
to slp without listenin to ur voice..and dat words.. " i love u laopo" dat i force u to say..
or to wake up..and realisin dat ur no longer wif me d.

for da past 5 years..
ive been relyin on u..
i hav no worries..bcos i noe i hav u..
u will alwis be dere..altho i alwis make stupid mistake..
u wil advice me and talk me tru..
but now..
i tink i need to learn..
i need to improve..
i need to be strong on my own..

bby..
da dream we had..or i had.. has ended..
wif a hole in my heart..